There's so much going on right now I'm not even sure what I should be writing. There's some kind of saying that you should take your current worries and wonder how much they'll have impacted your life in 5 years time....i.e....by then, will any of this have mattered?
Right now, all I can say is, yes, they all will. In 5 years time, my great-aunt will still be dead, my aunt, barring a miracle with her chemo , will probably be too. My brother, depending on how aggressively his cancer returns, may be too. My knee will still bear the scars of this latest surgery, and all I can hope for now is that it gives me some relief from the chronic pain and allows me to enjoy some quality of life. In the next few weeks hopefully the results of my endoscopy for my recent crippling stomach pains will mean that the problem will be either long resolved or ongoing and manageable. And finally, my current home & sanctuary will be long gone, either demolished, or in the hands of someone else, who most probably won't want to rent it.
It's this latest blow that has floored me, the proverbial back-breaking straw. I've been here over five years, and to me, my room here, this house, this garden, it's proximity and distance to everything is what has kept me sane throughout the surreal highs and lows that life has dealt me over the last few years. I'm finding it hard to even reconcile thoughts of leaving here whilst everything is going on-where else can I come home late at night and sit out marveling at the stars with no streetlights ruining the view. Where else will I find that deep silence in the wee small hours, broken only by the occasional bat squeaking it's way across the garden. Where else will I turn a corner and feel comforted by the sight of once-whitewashed walls and a red door, knowing that just inside it lies the most comfortable room with it's many varying memories.
And what memories they are.....loud nights drinking and talking with lovers, friends and family, silent nights in grief and contemplation, chilled out nights playing guitar on the bonnet of my car, watching the ISS fire it's way across the starry skies, and, back when I could, sunny evenings spent gardening, mowing the lawn, or kicking a ball around with friends and housemates. My life over the last five years has had it's ups and downs like everyone's, but in this old house, I've had the freedom to sleep with the curtains opens and be woken by beautiful sunrisen light and birdsong. I've had the freedom to scream and shout in the depths of raging grief, I've had the freedom to sing and dance to loud music, or even play my own music on an aging guitar and amplifier.
I've fallen in love and out of love over the years, with men who I trusted to understand the love I had for a constantly-messy room. I've had housemates who have driven me to insanity and I've had housemates who've made it worthwhile sharing a house. I've come home sober, I've come home drunk, I've come home injured, I've come home to recuperate after several surgeries, and I can honestly say, coming home to this house has kept me sane throughout those times. Despite the neighbour's evil cat (trust me, he's evil. he's been glaring at all of us this house for the last 5 years. you can barely look him in the eye without getting a cold shiver from the look of pure unadulterated evil you will be met with!) this house, this home has been the epitome of home to me. II don't think it's a coincidence that with it's old style feel and look, it reminded me of Glenallen, my Gran's house and my other home.
If I can stay here til August, I'll be here six years. Almost the same length of time I spent at my parents house when we moved in 1995. And I've felt more at home here in the last 5 years than I ever did in those 6 at my parents house. As I've gotten older, I appreciate the house where my folks live, but I know once they're no longer in it, the house will no longer bear any resemblance to a home for me. Yet here has, since the moment I first drove in the gate, to see a huge lawn, an apple tree, and a welcoming red door, been home. Home is where the heart is, and a huge part of mine will always be here....
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